First off I want to state that I am the most prideful people I know. I promised myself that I would be honest in my blogs and not be afraid to share anything, so I'm gonna do just that. I write most of my blogs for the comments that people leave me, sure these thoughts of mine are things that God really is showing me but in all honesty there for me not him. I really can't even tell you right now if I writing this for me or him but my heart is trying to find the right place to be. The best way that I think I can go into this blog is letting you know that I'm broken and am in need of repair. I can't convince you that this blog is the most prideful thing I've ever written, but there is really nothing I can do about that except pray that God will change the state of my heart. Really the only thing that I ask of you is not to comment on this blog.
Now that I got that off my chest I can try to explain the format of this blog. Its really going to be different than anything I've ever written, but if you know me God usually speaks to me when he gets into my mind and doesn't let me sleep , which is precisely why I'm up right now at two in the morning. Now this blog is a narrative of sorts that is both fiction and non fiction. I don't know if thats possible but you'll understand after you read it. Now the thing is what I'm writing here is in the story, and all the things I feel about my dad. (thats the non-fiction) Then the whole scenario thing. (thats the fiction part) One thing you should know is that most of the time I think about things that haven't yet happened, or I play out scenarios that haven't happened. Its good for me to dialog these things out b/c usually they bring me to insight and thoughts that would have gone undiscovered. Tonight for some reason I just got to thinking about my dad and thats where this is gonna head.
I talked with him yesterday and it was a really good conversation. It really just got me thinking tonight about my dad and my grandpa for that matter. I just realized that my dad was young when his dad died. Then today my mom commented on the fact that this December is my dads fiftieth birthday. This brought up the scenario of my dad death. Now I know your probably thinking "Jerod out of all the scenarios you could of chosen why that one." My only response to that would be that I really don't think that I chose these. I think that God lets me think on what I need to think on, but just go with me.
I was thinking about how all this would play out and the rest is my narrative. My mom called me and said those dreadful words "Jerod dad died." I left for home and be in complete and total confusion, not even stopping to tell anybody at school that I even left, b/c I really didn't want their sympathy. I got home and just embraced my family and really was in total and utter confusion until the day of his funeral. The day came and I was hurt broken and battered. I was such a physical and emotional mess that when ask to talk at the funeral I declined. Then as the service progressed I got up and went to say some words about Dad. "I didn't know my dad. During the last two months though I discovered a deeper side of him that I never fully experienced. Something happens to a man when his first born son leaves. You see a softer side of him. The way he looks at you, speaks to you, hugs you, and just his demeanor is completely different. You really see into him and see how much he loves you. Reflecting on this know it helps me gain a new understanding of how much I love my family. There are things that I never got to tell my dad, like "Dad this is why I want to be a pastor", or "Dad did you know I blog", or "Dad I miss you." There is a side that we all hide from each other and really I don't know why. This side is so beautiful. This side, is the side that my dad never saw. The funny thing is that the past two nights I sat up in bed at Moody thinking about this funeral. I didn't know why at that point but now I get emotional just thinking about it. Two days before my dad death my God was there preparing me to get though this! Thats my God! My Dad is gone, this hurts beyond any pain I'll ever have to feel. My dad won't be there when I graduate, my dad won't be there when I get married, my kids won't have a grandpa, and I won't have a Dad. This hurts. But God is enough. If you don't believe that God prepared me two days ago for what I'm going through right now. If you don't believe that my God prepared me to think about how much my Dad really meant to me two days ago then you need to. Even though my dad won't be there for all these events in my life and the lives of my kids I know that know where he is. I know that there will be a place and time to mourn with my family, and I know that thats not today. You see today I joyful b/c I loved my dad, and I fully realized that two days ago. If this hadn't of happen I would be at a state right now where I am in complete depression, and am questioning God to no end. But no I'm not at that place. To quote a section in Elie Wiesel's book Night. In Auschwitz there was a day when three people were being hung. Two men and a boy. They had apparently done something that went against the guards rules. So to make a point about how serious they took rebellion they brought everyone out to witness these executions. The then preceded to kick the chairs out from under the mens feet, and forced everyone in the camp to walk by them while they were dying. When Elie reached the gallows the two men weight had caused there necks to break, but since the young boy was so light he hung there gasping for air turning blue in the face. The two men in front of Elie stated. "Wheres our God now." and "There no God, what God would allow this to happen." Then Elie under his breath staring into the eyes of that young boy as the life was fading from them in utter panic uttered these word. "God is there, God is right there hanging on the gallows with that boy." God is with us as we suffer and even though were going through the deepest pain we could imagine, when were in total confusion about why God is doing this to us, and where both mad and angry at him. Where is he? He right there with us holding us in his arms as tight as he can coddling his child. Thats where I am right now. I remember my dad and he was great. Everyone here will account to that, and I loved him. Right now I can say God is enough for me. Don't get me wrong this pain I feel is real but my God is holding me. I am comfortable in the loving arms of my God that through everything he is holding me tightly and loving me unconditionally.
I Love My Dad. I Love My Family. I Love My God.
That only took an hour.
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